I've been spurred on to write this after reading my friend Jill's blog: www.jillboyd.blogspot.com. I believe that God gave me a promise that I would become a mother, 13 years later I still await the fulfilment of that promise. Believing that God would eventually answer, has kept me sane and taken away fear. I give you an example of this:
Many years ago, my mum had an operation to have her gall bladder removed and so I went ‘home’ for a week to help her through the initial days after the op. Now, I don't like flying and so getting on a plane by myself was a huge achievement. On the day I had to return to Italy, the weather in Scotland was quite stormy with rain and high winds, but the Lord taught me a few things on that flight home: On arriving at Prestwick airport, there was the most beautiful rainbow, with the colours clearly visible. This reminded me that God is faithful to His promises. I believed that God promised me that “He would settle me in my home as a happy mother of children” (psalm 113:9), and as I didn’t have children, I knew that I would get home safely to Leo. But in walking to the terminal the clouds were black and I thought to myself “I need to go through that”!! The captain announced that it would be quite bumpy until we got above the clouds but then it would be clear skies all the way to Rome. As soon as we had passed though the clouds there was the most beautiful red sky that just took my breath away. The sun was setting and the clouds were just like big balls of white cotton wool. The only thing I could do in that moment was to praise God. If I had not went through those clouds, I would never have experienced that amazing sight and so it made me realize that at times, in order to experience God’s blessing we need to go through difficult moments, always trusting and believing that the blessing is on the other side. And so, scary as that journey might have been, God took it and used it to teach me some great truths about Himself ”.
Last October mum was diagnosed with cancer of the bladder. I went back to Scotland to be with her and dad and pray with them as further tests were done. We prayed and read and I believed with all my heart that Mum's cancer was gone. When she had the results of the scans, the doctor said that they could no longer see the cancer. We rejoiced. God had 'healed' mum. The doctors said that because the cancer had been so aggressive, chemotherapy and radiotherapy would be needed to be sure that all the cancer was gone. Complications arose however and radiotherapy was no longer an option. 6 weeks ago she had her bladder removed. I was convinced that it was the wrong decision but mum believed that she was making the right one. When the results of the biopsy on the bladder came back, I believed that no cancer would be found. Wrong. the cancer was deep rooted into the muscle and so mum had made the right decision. But where did that leave me? I had been so convinced and yet I was wrong and so that makes me doubt every other promise that I believe God has given me. As I pray, I'm no longer sure that it's God's voice that I'm hearing. So where do I go from here? I t seems to be that there has to be more to it than just believing as that 'mountain moving belief' I had, has never manifested itself physically. Instead of clarity there's more confusion.
In conclusion, it’s not God that I am doubting but myself and my ability to hear that still small voice and to know when God is speaking, working, healing. As I write this my eyes fall on a poem on my desk. I leave it with you: God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
